1 00:00:03,440 --> 00:00:06,239 2 00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:10,038 3 00:00:10,800 --> 00:00:14,634 but you don't ask questions 4 00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:17,758 5 00:00:18,640 --> 00:00:21,792 is a mystery 6 00:00:21,960 --> 00:00:25,794 and the tides of the sea 7 00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:29,590 what's driving me berserk: 8 00:00:29,760 --> 00:00:33,037 9 00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:13,713 (SIRENS WAIL IN DISTANCE) 10 00:01:41,360 --> 00:01:44,352 (ALARM SOUNDS) 11 00:01:48,040 --> 00:01:52,079 (WHIRR OF HELICOPTER BLADES) 12 00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:17,556 Your jet—copter's arrived, Raquel. I'll summon the maid. 13 00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:20,872 I'll say bye-bye to Damien first, darling. 14 00:02:21,040 --> 00:02:23,759 How long's he gonna be in there? 15 00:02:23,920 --> 00:02:27,390 Don't rush, sweetheart. He's doing an important deal 16 00:02:27,560 --> 00:02:30,552 with President Reeves in Washington. 17 00:02:30,720 --> 00:02:33,997 President Reeves?! Really? 18 00:02:34,160 --> 00:02:35,958 (LIFT PINGS) 19 00:02:40,640 --> 00:02:44,952 There you are, Rodney! Damien phoned for you hours ago. 20 00:02:45,120 --> 00:02:48,112 The State Transportation workers are on strike. 21 00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:51,796 On strike? But Damien's made strikes illegal. 22 00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:55,999 Yes. The police were shooting them as I left. 23 00:02:56,160 --> 00:02:59,232 Damien wants to see me urgently? 24 00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:02,313 Mmm. I'll take you through. 25 00:03:02,480 --> 00:03:05,552 (DAMIEN) Yeah, yeah, yeah. 26 00:03:05,720 --> 00:03:09,634 I've heard it all before. Au bonnet de douche. 27 00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:12,235 Bonnet de douche! 28 00:03:12,400 --> 00:03:14,710 All I'm saying, Mr President... 29 00:03:15,760 --> 00:03:18,912 Oh, shut up, you tart! 30 00:03:19,080 --> 00:03:23,517 Listen, Keanu. You sit in the White House, twiddling your thumbs. 31 00:03:23,680 --> 00:03:27,150 People are beginning to see through you. 32 00:03:27,320 --> 00:03:31,473 What's wrong with going to war with China? War is good. 33 00:03:32,080 --> 00:03:34,879 What a boy, eh? What a boy! 34 00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:37,793 Of course millions will be killed. 35 00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:42,033 War without death is like salad without watercress. 36 00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:47,195 You worry too much. I've got a busy night. Make the declaration tomorrow. 37 00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:52,231 What's going on? I ordered a messenger an hour ago! 38 00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:56,359 He's here, Damie. Damie, he's here. Look, there. 39 00:03:57,600 --> 00:03:59,432 Uncle Rodney! 40 00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:03,992 (THEME FROM "THE OMEN") 41 00:04:08,320 --> 00:04:11,870 I want you in Beijing for the war. Report back to me. 42 00:04:12,040 --> 00:04:13,792 War? 43 00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:18,397 - I don't want to go to war. — War is good. 44 00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:24,278 - I don't want to go to war. — What would Uncle Albert say? 45 00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:28,798 - I don't know. - we'll ask him, then. 46 00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:32,112 (SAILORS' HORNPIPE PLAYS) 47 00:04:32,280 --> 00:04:35,557 During the war... During the war... 48 00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:39,438 During the war... During the war... 49 00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:42,274 During the war... During the war... 50 00:04:45,280 --> 00:04:46,600 oh. 51 00:04:46,760 --> 00:04:51,834 - You rang, Your Lordship? — Cassandra? What are you doing here? 52 00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:55,072 Damien took over my bank and fired me. 53 00:04:56,920 --> 00:04:59,878 Now I'm the maid. 54 00:05:00,680 --> 00:05:05,038 — It's a job, Rodney. - No. This isn't fair. 55 00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:07,032 Rodney. 56 00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:10,591 It's not right. You shouldn't be doing this. 57 00:05:10,760 --> 00:05:15,072 — Rodney... - You've messed everything all up. 58 00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:18,949 — Rodney. - I want it how it used to be. 59 00:05:19,120 --> 00:05:20,793 Rodney! 60 00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:22,598 Rodney! 61 00:05:22,760 --> 00:05:24,353 Rodney! 62 00:05:24,520 --> 00:05:25,840 Rodney! 63 00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:27,434 Rodney! 64 00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:28,999 Rodney! 65 00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:32,312 Rodney, wake up, you dipstick! 66 00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:36,680 Oh! Good, it was a dream. 67 00:05:36,840 --> 00:05:41,357 Have you been smoking that Rastafarian Old Holborn again? 68 00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:44,478 I just drifted off for a while. 69 00:05:44,640 --> 00:05:47,837 - I had the wildest dream! — What about? 70 00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:52,198 Sunshine and birdies going "Tweet— tweet"? 71 00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:55,239 OK. Sorry. So, what's happening? 72 00:05:56,240 --> 00:05:58,993 I'll tell you what's happening! 73 00:05:59,720 --> 00:06:04,237 We have bought 150 Latvian radio alarm clocks 74 00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:07,836 that go off whenever they bloody well like! 75 00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:11,277 We also have 200 aerodynamic cycling helmets 76 00:06:11,440 --> 00:06:16,389 that turn out to be horse riders crash hats some git has sprayed red. 77 00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:21,236 And a box of baseball caps that even ET7 fans wouldn't wear. 78 00:06:21,400 --> 00:06:25,997 Also, my home improvement grant has been rejected. 79 00:06:26,160 --> 00:06:30,677 — Apart from that, everything's fine! — Thank God. All normal. 80 00:06:30,840 --> 00:06:33,593 Raquel, there's a letter for you. 81 00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:38,072 why are you falling asleep so early in the morning? Don't you sleep at home? 82 00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:42,837 You know my situation. It's Cassandra and this baby thing. 83 00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:46,277 The hospital's got another schedule for us. 84 00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:51,037 - I'm at it like a rattlesnake! - I thought that was your ambition. 85 00:06:51,200 --> 00:06:56,274 Some people dream of singing "La Traviata" at the Opera House. 86 00:06:56,440 --> 00:07:00,354 Doesn't mean they want to sing it three times a night! 87 00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:03,876 - That would make your throat sore! - Yes! 88 00:07:07,920 --> 00:07:10,799 They put her on a special diet. 89 00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:16,160 The gynae... The gynaecologist reckons it's only a matter of time, 90 00:07:16,320 --> 00:07:20,473 but Cass is getting broody. I got her a rabbit. 91 00:07:21,760 --> 00:07:24,559 Rabbit? Part of her diet, is it? 92 00:07:24,720 --> 00:07:27,951 No, a pet rabbit for her to make a fuss over. 93 00:07:28,120 --> 00:07:33,115 - I know it was a stupid idea. — The hospital's passed the tests? 94 00:07:33,280 --> 00:07:37,239 Yeah. This is personal. I don't want it broadcast. 95 00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:42,236 Course not. Who's gonna listen? Have you had her tubes looked at? 96 00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:47,759 Yes! Good God! Everything's fine, we just can't crack the case. 97 00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:51,515 Every day I take specimens to the clinic. 98 00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:56,390 It's all to do with ovums and...things. 99 00:07:57,640 --> 00:08:02,111 The hospital keep showing me this film, "Inside the Human Body". 100 00:08:02,280 --> 00:08:05,272 It don't half put you off, Del! 101 00:08:05,440 --> 00:08:10,594 Yeah, I should think so. Give me "Debbie Does Dallas" any day! 102 00:08:10,760 --> 00:08:14,116 Anyway, we'll have breakfast and go down the market. 103 00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:17,079 — Fancy a boiled - No! oe? 104 00:08:20,320 --> 00:08:22,789 Del, can I ask a favour? 105 00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:24,314 Yeah? 106 00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:27,313 Can I have this afternoon off? 107 00:08:27,480 --> 00:08:30,871 — Are you booked in for a seeing to? - No, no, no. 108 00:08:31,040 --> 00:08:35,671 We're having a celebratory lunch 'cause it's my birthday. 109 00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:38,912 Your birthday? Oh, and la bruschette! 110 00:08:40,760 --> 00:08:44,993 Your birthday. I forgot all about it, didn't I? 111 00:08:45,160 --> 00:08:48,755 In that case, the answer is "No"! 112 00:08:48,920 --> 00:08:53,517 You wouldn't expect Richard Branston to want the afternoon off. 113 00:08:53,680 --> 00:08:56,752 He don't even know it's my birthday. 114 00:08:58,400 --> 00:09:00,914 Not yours. I mean if it was his birthday! 115 00:09:01,080 --> 00:09:05,074 No, "cause he'd be too busy down the financial fast lane. 116 00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:09,074 He wouldn't be out just "cause it's his birthday. 117 00:09:09,240 --> 00:09:10,992 OK, then. 118 00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:17,114 Course you can have the afternoon off! It's your birthday! 119 00:09:17,280 --> 00:09:20,272 I bet you thought I'd forgot. 120 00:09:20,440 --> 00:09:23,432 There's your cards, birthday boy. 121 00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:27,760 That one's from Damien. 122 00:09:29,760 --> 00:09:31,956 Ah, bless him! 123 00:09:32,120 --> 00:09:37,911 Don't worry about those for now. Take a look. That's a present from me. 124 00:09:38,080 --> 00:09:40,469 And Raquel. 125 00:09:45,320 --> 00:09:48,358 It's a chunky gold identity bracelet. 126 00:09:48,520 --> 00:09:50,909 I can see that. 127 00:09:51,080 --> 00:09:53,913 It's just like mine, Rodney. Look! 128 00:09:54,080 --> 00:09:59,280 24—carat gold. No rubbish. Look, it's even got your name on it. 129 00:09:59,440 --> 00:10:01,477 "Rooney"? 130 00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:06,192 No, no. That says "Rodney". 131 00:10:06,360 --> 00:10:10,672 It says "Rooney". There's an "o" where the "d" should be. 132 00:10:10,840 --> 00:10:14,356 No, it's a "d". It's just copperplate writing. 133 00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:17,194 - Oh. — Go on, put it on! 134 00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:18,714 Right. 135 00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:23,955 I don't want you getting over—emotional on me. 136 00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:26,919 No, all right, then. 137 00:10:29,680 --> 00:10:32,718 — Morning, Rodney. - Hello, Raquel. 138 00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:38,190 — What's that? — A chunky gold identity bracelet. 139 00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:41,751 "Rooney"? 140 00:10:41,920 --> 00:10:45,595 - No, "Rodney". — It's "Rooney". That's an "o". 141 00:10:45,760 --> 00:10:48,957 No, it's a "d". It's copperplate writing. 142 00:10:49,120 --> 00:10:52,909 Looks like "Rooney" to me. Where'd you get it? 143 00:10:53,080 --> 00:10:57,790 - It's your birthday present to me. - Oh, it's your birthday. 144 00:10:57,960 --> 00:11:01,157 — Sorry. Happy birthday, Rodney. - Thanks. 145 00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:04,711 Del chose it. I didn't know. Where is he? 146 00:11:04,880 --> 00:11:11,115 In the kitchen. The council have refused his application for a grant. 147 00:11:11,280 --> 00:11:15,638 — Maybe they didn't have £500,000! — What does he want to do? 148 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:20,033 Who knows? Put an extension on the balcony and build a double garage! 149 00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:26,116 No, au contraire. I just wanted £5,000 to improve the kitchen units. 150 00:11:26,280 --> 00:11:29,716 — That's fair enough. — Get real, Rodney! 151 00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:34,192 He wasn't putting new units in. He just wanted the five grand. 152 00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:37,352 The council would check he'd done the work. 153 00:11:37,520 --> 00:11:42,720 All you do is give them an 18—month sob story and they forget about it. 154 00:11:42,880 --> 00:11:46,271 They're too busy organising carnivals and things. 155 00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:50,798 I don't want to discuss it 'cause now it's epidemic. 156 00:11:53,520 --> 00:11:58,230 — Who's the letter from? - I dunno yet. 157 00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:03,312 Look at this! Gits! 158 00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:10,119 — Morning, Damien. — Dad got me a new hat. 159 00:12:10,280 --> 00:12:12,271 It's a cracker! 160 00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:15,512 My dad gets me everything. 161 00:12:15,680 --> 00:12:18,035 D'you wanna play war? 162 00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:24,236 - No. I'm a bit busy. - You've got time for a little battle. 163 00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:27,392 No, I'm all right, honest. 164 00:12:27,560 --> 00:12:31,440 You stay there, chap. I'll get your cereal. 165 00:12:31,600 --> 00:12:34,558 When I'm older, will people still wear baseball caps? 166 00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:37,872 People will wear whatever you tell them to! 167 00:12:38,040 --> 00:12:39,678 Oh, cool! 168 00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:47,193 (ALBERT) Little git! 169 00:12:48,040 --> 00:12:52,159 I fought for this country and how do they treat you? 170 00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:54,596 It ain't bloody fair. 171 00:12:56,680 --> 00:13:00,594 Your socks look like the bomb squad's been at them. 172 00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:06,711 If Cassandra gets pregnant I'll have two of the sods banging on my head. 173 00:13:06,880 --> 00:13:09,554 Oi, what do you know about that? 174 00:13:09,720 --> 00:13:11,472 Nothing at all 175 00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:15,232 What's an ovum? 176 00:13:17,240 --> 00:13:20,835 Were you listening to me and Del's conversation? 177 00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:23,879 I wasn't listening. I just heard. 178 00:13:24,040 --> 00:13:26,759 Don't worry. I'm saying nothing. 179 00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:31,918 Left, right, left, right, left, right. Squad, attention! 180 00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:37,632 Morning, Admiral! Be careful when you collect your pension today. 181 00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:42,431 — There's a gang of muggers about. — They don't worry me, son. 182 00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:48,278 I boxed for the Navy. They called my left hand "Trotter's Trembler". 183 00:13:48,440 --> 00:13:51,671 I wonder what they called your right hand! 184 00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:56,518 Rodney, come on, quick. Let's go! 185 00:13:56,680 --> 00:14:00,036 — What's the hurry? — Just let's go, Rodney. 186 00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:03,352 — Shall I load the van? - No, no time for that. 187 00:14:03,520 --> 00:14:08,435 I gotta take the Capri in for a tuning and meet a bloke down the market. 188 00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:11,069 Get out of here. 189 00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:13,675 See you later! 190 00:14:15,560 --> 00:14:18,757 - Why's he in such a hurry? - I dunno. 191 00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:22,916 Oh, no, not again! 192 00:14:23,080 --> 00:14:27,074 (MULTIPLE ALARMS RING) 193 00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:34,790 Did I tell you what Councillor Murray said when she gave me this? 194 00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:40,433 Yes. Trigger, you are boring the pants off me with this bloody medal. 195 00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:47,156 No, she said, "I thank you on behalf of the council 196 00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:50,312 "and the people of Peckham." 197 00:14:53,200 --> 00:14:55,999 Morning, Sid. What do you fancy? 198 00:14:56,160 --> 00:14:58,913 — A cheese roll. — One cheese roll 199 00:14:59,080 --> 00:15:02,471 — I still find it hard to believe. —Sodol 200 00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:08,670 Medals for road sweepers? They'll give Del an award for good taste next! 201 00:15:08,840 --> 00:15:11,400 — Morning, all — Morning, Del. 202 00:15:11,560 --> 00:15:15,838 Thank God you've arrived. He can bore you two with it now. 203 00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:20,153 — What's that? — Trigger's got a medal. 204 00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:25,474 - Where'd you find that, then? - No, I was awarded it. Look. 205 00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:30,480 A picture of me receiving my medal from Councillor Murray. 206 00:15:30,640 --> 00:15:32,597 That's me. 207 00:15:32,760 --> 00:15:37,914 Oh, that's you, is it, Trig? I'm glad you cleared that up (!) 208 00:15:38,080 --> 00:15:41,152 Let me have a look at that, Trig. 209 00:15:42,360 --> 00:15:46,319 Right, so that's Councillor Murray, is it? 210 00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:51,111 She's the old cow that refused my application for a council grant. 211 00:15:51,280 --> 00:15:53,590 Never been so humiliated. 212 00:15:53,760 --> 00:15:57,276 When you have the time, you must tell me about it. 213 00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:03,029 Hey, have your friends at the masonic lodge got influence at the town hall? 214 00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:08,957 No, I'm just wondering what it must be like to apply for a council grant! 215 00:16:11,640 --> 00:16:14,280 The day started off so well! 216 00:16:14,440 --> 00:16:19,037 It was Councillor Murray's idea. She's head of finance at the town hall 217 00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:24,195 She says locals should be rewarded for services to the community. 218 00:16:24,360 --> 00:16:30,038 — A proud moment in my family history. - You haven't got a family history. 219 00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:35,639 You were created by a chemical spillage at a germ warfare factory. 220 00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:38,952 Maybe, but I still feel proud. 221 00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:47,033 — What exactly is the award for? — For saving the council money. 222 00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:52,274 I mentioned to her one day that I've had the same broom for 20 years. 223 00:16:52,440 --> 00:16:55,273 She was impressed and said, "Have a medal." 224 00:16:55,440 --> 00:17:01,356 - 20 years is a long time, Dave. - Yeah. It's two decades, innit? 225 00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:05,070 I wouldn't go that far, but it's a long time! 226 00:17:06,360 --> 00:17:11,878 Trig, just a second. If you've had that broom for 20 years, 227 00:17:12,040 --> 00:17:14,953 have you swept any roads with it? 228 00:17:15,120 --> 00:17:18,112 Of course! But I look after it well 229 00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:22,797 There's a saying handed down by generations of road sweepers — 230 00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:25,349 "Look after your broom." 231 00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:31,311 — "And your broom'll look after you." - No, just "Look after your broom." 232 00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:37,995 — Oh, that old saying. - Yeah, and I did. 233 00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:41,152 I've maintained it for 20 years. 234 00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:46,156 This old broom has had 17 new heads 235 00:17:46,320 --> 00:17:49,597 and 14 new handles in its time. 236 00:17:51,120 --> 00:17:53,794 (HE MOUTHS) 237 00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:57,078 How is it the same bloody broom, then? 238 00:17:57,240 --> 00:18:01,518 Here's a picture of it. What more proof do you need? 239 00:18:05,640 --> 00:18:09,315 This has come as a bit of a shock. I haven't heard from you for years. 240 00:18:09,520 --> 00:18:14,276 I got the impression I wasn't important to you any more. 241 00:18:14,440 --> 00:18:18,274 Yeah, I understand. OK, let's meet. 242 00:18:19,280 --> 00:18:23,274 No, I'lL come to you. This weekend? 243 00:18:23,440 --> 00:18:26,273 I'm not sure. 244 00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:30,957 Del? I dunno, really. I suppose I'lL have to tell him the truth. 245 00:18:31,120 --> 00:18:33,760 I'll give you a call 246 00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:35,240 OK. 247 00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:40,793 I know you do. Course I still love you! 248 00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:44,360 Bye. 249 00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:57,591 — All right, sweetheart? - Yeah. What you been up to? 250 00:18:57,760 --> 00:19:00,434 Me? I been down the market. 251 00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:05,231 I met a bloke. Done a deal on some electric doughnut makers. 252 00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:08,199 Yeah, I bumped into Boycie. 253 00:19:08,360 --> 00:19:13,514 Mike down The Nags Head is selling tickets for a party on Saturday night. 254 00:19:13,680 --> 00:19:16,559 - Like to go? - This weekend? 255 00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:19,394 - Yeah. — Not really. 256 00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:22,916 Oh. OK. Any phone calls? 257 00:19:23,080 --> 00:19:26,232 Er, no. Del...can we talk? 258 00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:32,831 — Course we can. - I have something to tell you. 259 00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:35,560 I'd like to sit down. 260 00:19:35,720 --> 00:19:39,839 — Well, go on, then. - I mean both of us. 261 00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:41,832 Right. Yeah. 262 00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:54,833 That letter I got this morning... 263 00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:58,436 It was from my mum and dad. I've been on the phone to them. 264 00:19:58,600 --> 00:20:01,718 Oh. It's from your mum and dad! 265 00:20:02,760 --> 00:20:05,912 — Are you OK? - Yes! 266 00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:08,959 Course I am. I'm t'rrific! 267 00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:13,239 Oh, dear. I didn't know you had a mum and dad! 268 00:20:14,120 --> 00:20:18,318 Sorry. I mean, you've never mentioned them. 269 00:20:18,480 --> 00:20:22,713 Years ago, we had a bust-up when I said I wanted to go into showbiz. 270 00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:26,714 I said I wanted to be a dancer and act. 271 00:20:26,880 --> 00:20:32,034 My dad is a bit old—fashioned. He said some nasty things. You can imagine. 272 00:20:32,200 --> 00:20:37,195 So I stormed out, went into digs. That was the last contact I had with them. 273 00:20:37,360 --> 00:20:41,069 They got my address from my ex—landlord. 274 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:44,517 They phoned, but kept getting the answer machine. 275 00:20:44,680 --> 00:20:49,436 A lot of people get nervous with answer machines. 276 00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:54,356 No, they left messages but the machine wouldn't record them. 277 00:20:54,520 --> 00:20:56,511 Oh, dear! 278 00:20:56,680 --> 00:20:58,956 I dunno what's wrong with it. 279 00:20:59,120 --> 00:21:05,355 I reckon the electronic circuitry needs adjusting. Like that. 280 00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:09,192 So I phoned them. We had a nice chat. 281 00:21:09,360 --> 00:21:13,354 They seemed different, sort of understanding. 282 00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:16,753 I cried. 283 00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:20,232 Hey... 284 00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:23,870 It's all right. Come on, sweetheart. 285 00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:28,511 My mum said they missed me. My dad said he loved me. 286 00:21:28,680 --> 00:21:33,277 Come on, that is lovely jubbly, isn't it? 287 00:21:33,840 --> 00:21:37,470 - I told them about Damien. - Yeah? 288 00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:41,838 They seemed really excited they had a grandson. 289 00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:44,594 I told them all about him. 290 00:21:46,400 --> 00:21:47,720 Hmm? 291 00:21:47,880 --> 00:21:50,998 And did you tell them about me? 292 00:21:53,280 --> 00:21:55,396 I mentioned you. 293 00:21:57,040 --> 00:22:03,036 — Did you tell "em what I did? - No, there wasn't time. 294 00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:08,354 — They wanted to know about Damie. — Of course. That's all right. 295 00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:11,879 They mentioned going at the weekend. 296 00:22:12,040 --> 00:22:15,158 That's nice. We'll pop up, shall we? 297 00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:18,118 Yeah. 298 00:22:18,640 --> 00:22:21,109 The thing is, well... 299 00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:26,070 My dad's a fuddy—duddy and he hasn't been well recently. 300 00:22:26,240 --> 00:22:28,834 This bloody thing! 301 00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:33,597 I think meeting you might be a bit too much for him. 302 00:22:33,760 --> 00:22:35,990 I don't want to offend you... 303 00:22:36,160 --> 00:22:41,712 That's the last time I buy anything off that Ronnie Nelson! 304 00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:44,474 Right, the weekend. 305 00:22:44,640 --> 00:22:47,075 Oh, Mont Blanc! 306 00:22:47,240 --> 00:22:53,998 I can't go. I'm going to Covent Garden for a van—load of aubergines. 307 00:22:54,160 --> 00:22:55,514 oh! 308 00:22:55,680 --> 00:22:57,717 oh... 309 00:22:57,880 --> 00:23:02,909 They were really looking forward to meeting you. Never mind. 310 00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:08,073 OK, you and Damien go and have a nice time. 311 00:23:08,240 --> 00:23:13,394 Take the Capri Ghia and let them see their girl's done OK for herself. 312 00:23:13,560 --> 00:23:16,120 Thanks, Del 313 00:23:16,280 --> 00:23:18,396 I do love you. 314 00:23:19,760 --> 00:23:23,674 Yeah, I know. I'm that sort of bloke, really! 315 00:23:24,560 --> 00:23:28,349 — What does your dad do? — He's an antique dealer. 316 00:23:28,520 --> 00:23:31,558 Is he really? That's interesting. 317 00:23:31,720 --> 00:23:34,633 - In the garage... - I'm not taking anything with me. 318 00:23:34,800 --> 00:23:39,590 No, all right, then. OK. Fair enough. Just a thought. 319 00:23:39,760 --> 00:23:42,752 You go, darling, build a few bridges. 320 00:23:42,920 --> 00:23:45,912 I'll try. I'll make you a coffee. 321 00:23:46,080 --> 00:23:48,594 Yeah, thatlL be Lovely. 322 00:23:58,880 --> 00:24:01,918 — Mum was crying. — What's that? 323 00:24:02,080 --> 00:24:05,596 — Mum was crying. — Was she? Never mind. 324 00:24:05,760 --> 00:24:08,878 Sit here. Women do that, you know. 325 00:24:09,040 --> 00:24:11,873 You'll learn that when you get older. 326 00:24:12,040 --> 00:24:16,830 On Saturday, you're going to see your nan and grandad! 327 00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:19,514 - I ain't got a nan and grandad. - You have now! 328 00:24:19,680 --> 00:24:24,675 — Did YOU get 'em for me? - No, no. They belong to your mum. 329 00:24:24,840 --> 00:24:30,313 They'll make a fuss of you. They'll love you "cause they're lovely people. 330 00:24:30,480 --> 00:24:33,518 — What are they called? - Hmm? 331 00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:36,957 well, they're called um... Um... 332 00:24:37,120 --> 00:24:39,475 Nan and Grandad. 333 00:24:41,840 --> 00:24:45,071 — Did you feed Roger? - I dropped a carrot in. 334 00:24:45,240 --> 00:24:46,753 Good. 335 00:24:46,920 --> 00:24:50,276 (SOFT MUSIC PLAYS) 336 00:24:50,440 --> 00:24:53,796 - Don't worry! - I'm not. 337 00:24:53,960 --> 00:24:57,510 - It's only once tonight. — Right. 338 00:24:57,680 --> 00:25:00,274 At least, I think it is. 339 00:25:06,760 --> 00:25:08,558 Just once. 340 00:25:08,720 --> 00:25:11,234 Look at Tuesday! 341 00:25:13,440 --> 00:25:16,592 — Happy birthday again! - Thank you. 342 00:25:18,960 --> 00:25:22,032 — Leave off, Cass. - Sorry... 343 00:25:22,200 --> 00:25:23,952 Rooney! 344 00:25:24,120 --> 00:25:29,149 Only Del would take a gold identity bracelet to a dyslexic engraver! 345 00:25:30,760 --> 00:25:33,639 You got lots of nice presents as well. 346 00:25:33,800 --> 00:25:36,997 - Yes, I did. — I spoke to Mummy today. 347 00:25:37,160 --> 00:25:41,597 She said why don't we fly over to the villa next week? 348 00:25:41,760 --> 00:25:47,358 I'm owed time off, and Del hasn't given you a holiday since...ever! 349 00:25:48,280 --> 00:25:52,751 I thought it might help. Sangria, warm evenings... 350 00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:55,355 Sounds good! 351 00:25:55,600 --> 00:25:59,275 — What about the rabbit? — Can't we give it to Del? 352 00:25:59,440 --> 00:26:01,078 He'd eat it! 353 00:26:01,240 --> 00:26:07,509 Aren't there any kennels? Like a cattery but a rabbitery. 354 00:26:07,680 --> 00:26:10,559 A rabbitery? That's a Chinese toilet! 355 00:26:12,520 --> 00:26:16,991 — Can't your parents look after it? - They'll be at the villa with us. 356 00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:21,631 They'll be there as well? How are we supposed to...relax 357 00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:24,110 with them there? 358 00:26:24,280 --> 00:26:28,751 I've figured it out. We won't do it in front of them! 359 00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:30,479 Right. 360 00:26:30,640 --> 00:26:36,670 When we want to "relax", we'll go to our bedroom. What do you think? 361 00:26:37,720 --> 00:26:40,633 They'll be in the room next to us. 362 00:26:40,800 --> 00:26:45,749 What about all the panting and screaming and "Yes, yes, yes!" 363 00:26:45,920 --> 00:26:49,231 You'll just have to control yourself! 364 00:26:49,400 --> 00:26:54,918 Nah, it'll never work. And I can't leave Del. Business ain't too good. 365 00:26:55,080 --> 00:26:59,517 — Come on, Rodney. - I can't. Del needs me here. 366 00:26:59,680 --> 00:27:01,637 You go. 367 00:27:01,800 --> 00:27:05,156 - You don't mind? — Of course I don't. 368 00:27:05,320 --> 00:27:08,073 The rest would do us...do you good. 369 00:27:09,640 --> 00:27:12,712 we'll have to put our schedule on ice. 370 00:27:12,880 --> 00:27:15,269 well, I'm afraid so. 371 00:27:21,560 --> 00:27:24,029 Both got tickets for the party? 372 00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:26,191 (BOTH) Yeah. 373 00:27:26,360 --> 00:27:29,432 I see you're looking forward to it (!) 374 00:27:30,600 --> 00:27:34,230 Boycie, you and Marlene fancy something nice to eat? 375 00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:38,553 I do, as it happens. Shall we pop down The Harvester? 376 00:27:38,720 --> 00:27:41,030 (CACKLES) 377 00:27:44,160 --> 00:27:48,677 I don't get much trade, but I do have a laugh. Bloody 'ell 378 00:27:48,840 --> 00:27:52,151 Trig, fancy a ticket? Tenner each. 379 00:27:52,320 --> 00:27:54,391 Righto, Mike. 380 00:27:54,560 --> 00:27:57,473 But you don't even know what they're for! 381 00:27:57,640 --> 00:28:01,031 It's bound to tell you on the ticket. 382 00:28:04,280 --> 00:28:06,840 Didn't think of that. You know, Trig, 383 00:28:07,000 --> 00:28:10,834 every year us publicans hold a fancy dress ball 384 00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:16,120 Prizes, the lot. This year it's Harry's turn at The Crown and Anchor. 385 00:28:16,280 --> 00:28:20,558 It's at his house. He's got a barn of a place on the common. 386 00:28:20,720 --> 00:28:25,749 First prize is a brand-new stereo system worth over £1,000. 387 00:28:25,920 --> 00:28:29,311 I've only got my mohair suit and best jumper. 388 00:28:29,480 --> 00:28:32,950 — Perfect. - Did I tell you about my medal? 389 00:28:33,120 --> 00:28:37,557 Yeah. Three times yesterday and twice this morning. 390 00:28:37,720 --> 00:28:41,634 — Did I tell you, Marlene? - You sent us a fax. 391 00:28:47,320 --> 00:28:50,358 All right, Mike? Wotcha, sweetheart. 392 00:28:51,840 --> 00:28:54,116 (MARLENE) Stop it! Honestly! 393 00:28:54,280 --> 00:28:58,319 — Cassandra get off OK? - Yeah, I've just left the airport. 394 00:28:58,480 --> 00:29:04,032 Raquel's away too, isn't she? Bet you'll be out gallivanting Saturday. 395 00:29:04,200 --> 00:29:08,478 Not at all. A mug of Bournvita and "Match of the Day" for us, eh? 396 00:29:08,640 --> 00:29:11,792 — Heaven! - That's nice! 397 00:29:13,200 --> 00:29:14,873 "Rooney"? 398 00:29:15,920 --> 00:29:18,480 No, that is "Rodney". 399 00:29:18,640 --> 00:29:21,758 It looks like an "o", but it's not. 400 00:29:21,920 --> 00:29:24,958 (BOTH) It's copperplate writing. 401 00:29:26,680 --> 00:29:31,390 - Quiet today, innit? — Got more life in his meat pies! 402 00:29:31,560 --> 00:29:34,552 Come on, Michael, give us a drink. 403 00:29:34,720 --> 00:29:40,033 Lager top for Rodney and I'll have a Bailey's and cherryade. 404 00:29:41,520 --> 00:29:45,639 'Ere, Del, how's about a nice plate of beef stew? 405 00:29:45,800 --> 00:29:48,360 Yeah, I'll have some of that. 406 00:29:48,520 --> 00:29:52,275 — Be careful with the beef, Del. — Shut up, you brass! 407 00:29:52,440 --> 00:29:57,560 What are you worried about? I've been eating British beef all my Life. 408 00:30:04,880 --> 00:30:08,839 Egg and chips, please. What do you want, Rodney? 409 00:30:09,000 --> 00:30:13,073 — Something that was fresh today. - Give him the "Daily Mirror". 410 00:30:14,800 --> 00:30:16,393 Del Boy. 411 00:30:16,560 --> 00:30:19,359 All right, Del Boy? Any luck? 412 00:30:19,520 --> 00:30:24,435 Loads of it, Denzil, all bad. I bumped into Paddy the Greek. 413 00:30:24,600 --> 00:30:29,470 Remember those nine—carat...24—carat gold bracelets I was selling? 414 00:30:29,640 --> 00:30:34,316 Apparently they've all been deported, along with Ugandan Maurice. 415 00:30:34,480 --> 00:30:39,998 — Why did you trust him with the gold? - He told me he was an exporter. 416 00:30:40,160 --> 00:30:44,757 An ex—porter who'd just been sacked from British Rail! 417 00:30:44,960 --> 00:30:47,076 (CACKLES) 418 00:30:48,520 --> 00:30:51,876 — Life's one long struggle, innit? - Yeah. 419 00:30:52,040 --> 00:30:56,910 I feel like King Farouk trying to hold back the tide. 420 00:30:57,080 --> 00:31:00,311 - I've got a kid to look after now. - It's Canute. 421 00:31:00,480 --> 00:31:03,598 Yeah, you can say that again! 422 00:31:03,760 --> 00:31:06,718 Want a ticket for a publicans' ball? 423 00:31:06,880 --> 00:31:09,759 Certainly! Which one, left or right? 424 00:31:11,040 --> 00:31:12,792 Your loss. 425 00:31:12,960 --> 00:31:16,715 I've got to go. The host is a fellow mason. 426 00:31:16,880 --> 00:31:21,750 — Last year's do was a good laugh. - I heard there was a punch—up. 427 00:31:21,920 --> 00:31:26,756 Yeah, but during the struggle, Marlene got a whack in the nose. 428 00:31:26,920 --> 00:31:29,355 You did nothing about it. 429 00:31:29,520 --> 00:31:32,797 How could 1? You threw the first punch! 430 00:31:32,960 --> 00:31:36,954 — Were you injured? - Her make-up cushioned the blow! 431 00:31:40,080 --> 00:31:45,154 Hey, I've just remembered! I was meant to take Cass's specimen to the clinic! 432 00:31:47,920 --> 00:31:52,198 - It's on your kitchen worktop! — Just take it in tomorrow. 433 00:31:52,360 --> 00:31:56,035 No, it mustn't be left in direct sunlight. 434 00:31:56,200 --> 00:31:59,158 It needs a dark spot where it won't be disturbed. 435 00:31:59,320 --> 00:32:02,119 How about Boycie's pants? 436 00:32:09,440 --> 00:32:13,957 Everything's fine, Raquel, though there's no food in the fridge. 437 00:32:14,120 --> 00:32:18,193 No, I'm not complaining. Just have a nice time, gal. 438 00:32:18,360 --> 00:32:23,309 Hold on! I think Del's back. DEL BOY! Sorry! 439 00:32:23,480 --> 00:32:26,120 — It's Raquel. —- OK. 440 00:32:26,280 --> 00:32:30,797 - I'll take it in the bedroom. — He's taking it in the bedroom. 441 00:32:30,960 --> 00:32:33,554 See you soon. Bye! 442 00:32:34,640 --> 00:32:39,874 — I suppose Cassandra will be there? — She'll have landed an hour ago... 443 00:32:40,040 --> 00:32:42,429 Bloody Rooney! 444 00:32:42,600 --> 00:32:47,151 why do you wear an ID bracelet? Real men didn't wear 'em in my day. 445 00:32:47,320 --> 00:32:52,394 - You wore them dog tags. — An ID necklace is quite different. 446 00:32:53,400 --> 00:32:58,076 I don't really wanna wear this, but I don't want to hurt Del's feelings. 447 00:32:58,240 --> 00:33:00,356 I understand. 448 00:33:00,520 --> 00:33:03,512 - During the war... — Oh, God! 449 00:33:03,680 --> 00:33:06,672 I had a mate who had the same problem. 450 00:33:06,840 --> 00:33:12,119 His mum bought him a gold watch. He hated it, but didn't want to hurt her. 451 00:33:12,280 --> 00:33:17,480 — So what did he do? - He flashed his watch round the pubs. 452 00:33:17,640 --> 00:33:21,474 On the way to his ship, he got mugged. Problem solved! 453 00:33:21,640 --> 00:33:24,234 That was a good idea (!) 454 00:33:24,400 --> 00:33:27,438 Lots of muggings going on round here. 455 00:33:27,600 --> 00:33:32,197 I'm not considering it as a viable option! God almighty! 456 00:33:32,360 --> 00:33:35,113 I'll just have to tell him. 457 00:33:35,280 --> 00:33:37,920 Be gentle, though. 458 00:33:40,440 --> 00:33:45,594 Look, Del, about this thing you gave me for me birthday. 459 00:33:45,760 --> 00:33:51,199 — It's a beauty, innit? - Yeah. But, well, the thing is... 460 00:33:51,360 --> 00:33:55,194 Listen, Raquel and Damien are having a nice time. 461 00:33:55,360 --> 00:33:58,318 They're all getting on really well 462 00:33:58,480 --> 00:34:00,915 That's good, innit? 463 00:34:01,080 --> 00:34:04,630 You didn't fancy meeting your common-law in-laws? 464 00:34:04,800 --> 00:34:07,792 To be honest, Rodney, yes, I did. 465 00:34:07,960 --> 00:34:10,998 But Raquel didn't want me to go. 466 00:34:11,160 --> 00:34:14,630 - What, she told you? - Yeah, I know. 467 00:34:14,800 --> 00:34:18,031 She was having a hard time telling me 468 00:34:18,200 --> 00:34:23,195 and, well, I made up an excuse and let her off the hook. 469 00:34:24,000 --> 00:34:28,278 I think she thought I might embarrass her. 470 00:34:28,440 --> 00:34:29,839 Yeah. 471 00:34:32,200 --> 00:34:35,272 What do you mean?! That's silly! 472 00:34:35,440 --> 00:34:40,071 - How could you embarrass her? — That's what I thought. 473 00:34:40,240 --> 00:34:44,996 Did you know that her old man is an antiques dealer? 474 00:34:45,160 --> 00:34:51,156 Yeah. I thought I might let him have a look at our Jacobean cine—camera. 475 00:34:52,120 --> 00:34:57,479 - You were saying about the bracelet? - No, I'm well pleased with it. 476 00:34:57,640 --> 00:35:01,599 That's it. You'll never forget your name now! 477 00:35:03,960 --> 00:35:07,191 Raquel's away and this flat becomes a shambles. 478 00:35:07,360 --> 00:35:09,874 Nothing in the fridge, the veg is off 479 00:35:10,040 --> 00:35:13,158 and that apple juice is horrible! 480 00:35:18,120 --> 00:35:20,634 He's a moaning old git! 481 00:35:31,520 --> 00:35:34,512 Cassandra's specimen is gone! 482 00:35:45,880 --> 00:35:50,795 - I don't believe him! — What will I tell Cassandra? 483 00:35:51,640 --> 00:35:57,113 Tell her you spilt it in the van when you went round the corner. 484 00:35:57,720 --> 00:36:01,554 - I can't lie to her. - So tell her Albert drank it! 485 00:36:01,720 --> 00:36:04,712 I can't tell her that, can 1?! 486 00:36:05,800 --> 00:36:09,077 It's just one thing after another. 487 00:36:09,240 --> 00:36:13,199 — Rodney, we have to get out of here. — How do you mean? 488 00:36:13,360 --> 00:36:17,797 I've been thinking. Cassandra's away in foreign climes 489 00:36:17,960 --> 00:36:21,510 and Raquel's gone to Milton Keynes. 490 00:36:21,680 --> 00:36:25,435 Well, tomorrow is the party, the publicans" ball. 491 00:36:25,600 --> 00:36:30,595 So while the mice are away, the cats could go out and play. 492 00:36:31,400 --> 00:36:34,756 It would be like the old days, Rodders. 493 00:36:34,920 --> 00:36:40,472 — We won't be pulling birds, though? — We never pulled any in the old days! 494 00:36:42,320 --> 00:36:45,199 What chance have we got now? 495 00:36:45,360 --> 00:36:47,795 Come on, what do you say? 496 00:36:47,960 --> 00:36:51,191 — A bit of harmless fun, eh? — Course it is! 497 00:36:51,360 --> 00:36:54,910 Couple of hours. Sausage roll and a grin. 498 00:36:55,080 --> 00:36:57,117 Tell you what... 499 00:36:57,280 --> 00:37:02,719 The first prize is only a stereo system worth £1,000. 500 00:37:02,880 --> 00:37:07,078 — What do they give prizes for? — The best fancy dress. 501 00:37:07,240 --> 00:37:11,632 Fancy dress?! I ain't going out dressed like some zoom. 502 00:37:11,800 --> 00:37:14,679 Come on, it's only a laugh, innit? 503 00:37:14,840 --> 00:37:19,232 we'll pop down the high street and get some costumes. 504 00:37:19,400 --> 00:37:22,836 Rodney, I need your help to win this prize. 505 00:37:23,000 --> 00:37:27,915 You're the one with the GCEs in art. You've got the flair and imagination. 506 00:37:28,080 --> 00:37:32,199 Shall I tell you what I'm imagining right now? 507 00:37:32,360 --> 00:37:35,512 That since you knew Raquel was going away, 508 00:37:35,680 --> 00:37:39,799 you've been planning on going to this party all along. 509 00:37:41,600 --> 00:37:43,910 How dare you? 510 00:37:44,800 --> 00:37:50,193 If only your mother could hear you now. Is that what you think of me? 511 00:37:50,360 --> 00:37:53,990 My child and my wife have gone away 512 00:37:54,160 --> 00:37:57,710 for a demanding and draining weekend 513 00:37:57,880 --> 00:38:01,669 and you think, "OK, Del can go out for a jolly—up." 514 00:38:01,840 --> 00:38:04,832 That's what you think of Del Boy. 515 00:38:05,000 --> 00:38:07,992 Shallow as a worm's grave. 516 00:38:15,160 --> 00:38:17,674 I just thought it was... 517 00:38:18,760 --> 00:38:21,673 - It just seemed a bit... - No, don't! 518 00:38:23,920 --> 00:38:26,560 I'm bleeding! 519 00:38:27,640 --> 00:38:30,029 All right. well... 520 00:38:30,200 --> 00:38:32,760 I'm sorry, then. 521 00:38:34,560 --> 00:38:38,474 All right. Your apology is accepted. 522 00:38:39,560 --> 00:38:42,837 I've just remembered. It's an all-ticket affair. 523 00:38:43,000 --> 00:38:46,789 - I know. I got us a couple earlier. — Stinging! 524 00:38:50,520 --> 00:38:55,799 (RODNEY) I feel stupid. I don't know 525 00:38:55,960 --> 00:39:00,750 — (DEL) We'll be there in a minute. — We gotta get home dressed like this! 526 00:39:00,920 --> 00:39:06,472 — Who'd see us at five in the morning? — Yeah... Five in the morning?! 527 00:39:06,640 --> 00:39:11,794 — You said we was going for two hours. — Well, you get involved, don't you? 528 00:39:11,960 --> 00:39:14,839 (VAN BACKFIRES) 529 00:39:15,000 --> 00:39:19,358 — (RODNEY) What's happening? — There must be something wrong. 530 00:39:19,520 --> 00:39:24,435 — I wish I was technical like you (1) - Very funny. 531 00:39:24,600 --> 00:39:27,479 (DEL) Have a look at the engine. 532 00:39:27,640 --> 00:39:32,714 (RODNEY) I'm not getting out dressed like this! You have a look. 533 00:39:32,880 --> 00:39:34,917 You tart, Rodney! 534 00:40:01,160 --> 00:40:05,631 — Do you see anything? - No, it's right dark in here. 535 00:40:16,520 --> 00:40:22,391 — What are you looking for? — Seeing if any petrol's coming through. 536 00:40:26,360 --> 00:40:29,637 - You idiot! — What's the matter? 537 00:40:29,800 --> 00:40:32,713 You'll blow us to kingdom come! 538 00:40:32,880 --> 00:40:38,080 Don't be daft. There's no petrol coming through. Must be a blockage. 539 00:40:38,240 --> 00:40:41,312 That's why we've broken down. 540 00:40:44,760 --> 00:40:49,960 Get back in the van! I don't want people seeing you dressed like that. 541 00:40:50,120 --> 00:40:52,953 You look like a right wally! 542 00:40:53,120 --> 00:40:55,430 Get in! 543 00:41:04,680 --> 00:41:07,718 Well, what are we gonna do now, then? 544 00:41:07,880 --> 00:41:10,394 I don't know, Derek! 545 00:41:10,560 --> 00:41:15,157 We're sat in Peckham at 10.30 dressed as Batman and Robin! 546 00:41:15,320 --> 00:41:20,474 You chose these costumes. I wanted to go as The Blues Brothers. 547 00:41:20,640 --> 00:41:26,352 We would have still broken down and be in this embarrassing situation. 548 00:41:26,520 --> 00:41:32,391 Oh, yeah. We'd have been wearing suits and ties. Right couple of zooms (!) 549 00:41:33,640 --> 00:41:38,032 We'd never have won first prize as The Blues Brothers. 550 00:41:38,200 --> 00:41:41,158 No, but we could have walked home! 551 00:41:41,320 --> 00:41:46,190 Just shut up and try to think of a way out of this. 552 00:41:46,360 --> 00:41:49,352 All right, let's just think about it. 553 00:41:52,920 --> 00:41:54,274 Ah! 554 00:41:56,440 --> 00:41:59,478 We phone the RAC! 555 00:41:59,640 --> 00:42:01,074 Yes! 556 00:42:01,240 --> 00:42:07,998 And ask for the "Broken—down— whilst—dressed—as—prats" department! 557 00:42:12,400 --> 00:42:15,756 — All right, the police. — Leave it out, Rodney! 558 00:42:15,920 --> 00:42:19,356 we'd never live it down. Our lives would be hell! 559 00:42:19,520 --> 00:42:25,550 — We would have to emigrate. — That doesn't sound like a bad alternative! 560 00:42:28,800 --> 00:42:32,077 The pubs will be chucking out soon. 561 00:42:32,240 --> 00:42:34,709 You know what? 562 00:42:35,440 --> 00:42:39,638 Harry's place is nearer than our place is. 563 00:42:39,800 --> 00:42:43,509 We could be there in five minutes if we ran. 564 00:42:43,680 --> 00:42:47,594 — We'll be seen! — What do you mean, "be seen"? 565 00:42:47,760 --> 00:42:52,038 — All the streets are empty. — At the moment. 566 00:42:52,200 --> 00:42:57,354 But the second I step out the van, a thousand people will pour out of... 567 00:42:57,520 --> 00:43:01,195 ..of a place where a thousand people are. 568 00:43:03,000 --> 00:43:07,949 No. Not if we go through the back streets and back alleys. 569 00:43:08,120 --> 00:43:10,839 It's only the winos and crackheads there. 570 00:43:11,000 --> 00:43:15,517 They see Batman and Robin every night of the week! 571 00:43:16,960 --> 00:43:21,716 — Five minutes? — Five minutes, if we run. 572 00:43:26,600 --> 00:43:27,954 (Jeez!) 573 00:43:33,120 --> 00:43:35,589 I'm going now, Tom. 574 00:43:35,760 --> 00:43:38,036 I'll see you out. 575 00:43:38,200 --> 00:43:42,876 — Good night, Councillor Murray. — Good night, Tom. 576 00:44:00,000 --> 00:44:03,755 — Seen a policeman round here? - No. 577 00:44:03,920 --> 00:44:07,117 — Good! Then give us your money! - Tom! 578 00:44:09,720 --> 00:44:12,439 - Help! — Someone shut her up! 579 00:44:15,040 --> 00:44:16,713 Gary! 580 00:44:20,880 --> 00:44:24,157 — What's happening? - I've no idea! 581 00:44:24,320 --> 00:44:28,314 ("BATMAN" THEME) 582 00:44:32,160 --> 00:44:33,719 Go! 583 00:44:53,680 --> 00:44:55,990 - Councillor Murray? - Yes. 584 00:44:56,160 --> 00:45:01,234 I recognise you from your photo. Derek Trotter. You may remember me. 585 00:45:01,400 --> 00:45:05,792 - I wrote to you some time ago... - Of the! 586 00:45:05,960 --> 00:45:07,519 Let's go! 587 00:45:09,760 --> 00:45:12,673 Sorry, must dash. Duty calls. 588 00:45:13,840 --> 00:45:18,835 589 00:45:24,400 --> 00:45:27,119 (DOORBELL) 590 00:45:30,520 --> 00:45:33,512 Boycie, let us in, will you? 591 00:45:38,040 --> 00:45:40,998 What have you two come as? 592 00:45:41,160 --> 00:45:47,600 — Batman and Robin. — Ignore him, Rodney, just ignore him. 593 00:45:47,760 --> 00:45:51,993 — Where is everyone? - Through there, Caped Crusader! 594 00:45:52,160 --> 00:45:55,551 You'll win nothing dressed like that! 595 00:45:56,200 --> 00:46:00,398 Rodders, we have come as Batman and Robin, 596 00:46:00,560 --> 00:46:03,552 Boycie's come as The Penguin! 597 00:46:06,360 --> 00:46:11,434 Oh, no, Del Boy, not The Penguin. More like The Joker! 598 00:46:14,600 --> 00:46:17,797 Kenny. Mike from the Nags Head. 599 00:46:17,960 --> 00:46:23,080 I was really cut up yesterday when I heard about your dad, your husband. 600 00:46:23,240 --> 00:46:28,269 — Still, at least he didn't suffer. - No, he had a good innings. 601 00:46:28,440 --> 00:46:32,149 He'd have been chuffed to see everyone at his wake. 602 00:46:32,320 --> 00:46:35,517 (THEY SING "BATMAN" THEME) 603 00:46:41,520 --> 00:46:43,397 Derek, 604 00:46:43,560 --> 00:46:46,393 Harry died yesterday. 605 00:46:46,560 --> 00:46:48,915 Harry... Harry died? 606 00:46:55,160 --> 00:47:00,838 why didn't you say out there instead of letting us come in like that? 607 00:47:01,000 --> 00:47:03,992 We was going, "da—da—da—da" and all 608 00:47:04,160 --> 00:47:09,314 It completely slipped my mind. Strange what grief can do. 609 00:47:09,480 --> 00:47:11,756 (CACKLES) 610 00:47:15,160 --> 00:47:19,233 Del, don't you remember me? I'm Kenny, Harry's son. 611 00:47:19,400 --> 00:47:23,314 Yes... Yes, of course I remember you, yeah. 612 00:47:23,480 --> 00:47:28,475 I phoned to say the party was off. I left messages on your answer machine. 613 00:47:28,640 --> 00:47:33,430 — Obviously you didn't get them. — The machine's playing up. 614 00:47:33,600 --> 00:47:37,594 I'll throw that bloody machine away when we get home! 615 00:47:37,760 --> 00:47:40,798 - I am really sorry about this. — Don't be silly. 616 00:47:40,960 --> 00:47:45,875 The old man's up there now having a good laugh. You'll stay, won't you? 617 00:47:48,440 --> 00:47:51,432 Yeah, course we're gonna stay. 618 00:47:51,600 --> 00:47:55,719 — Grab a drink and some food. - Yeah, OK. Cheers. 619 00:48:08,760 --> 00:48:11,434 Beer there, Denz? 620 00:48:12,920 --> 00:48:15,673 Didn't you know Harry had died? 621 00:48:17,600 --> 00:48:23,198 Course we knew he'd died! That's why we're dressed as Batman and thingy! 622 00:48:23,360 --> 00:48:25,192 - Robin. - Yes! 623 00:48:27,880 --> 00:48:32,750 — I suppose the prize—giving's off. - I bloody love him () 624 00:48:34,320 --> 00:48:37,039 All right, Del, Dave? 625 00:48:37,200 --> 00:48:39,919 Bit of a choker Harry popping off. 626 00:48:40,080 --> 00:48:43,914 We didn't know the fancy dress had been cancelled. 627 00:48:44,080 --> 00:48:46,469 Me neither. 628 00:48:48,200 --> 00:48:51,033 You mean that's your costume? 629 00:48:51,200 --> 00:48:53,999 Yeah. I came as a chauffeur. 630 00:48:55,960 --> 00:48:59,032 Feel a bit stupid now. 631 00:48:59,200 --> 00:49:03,034 Now you mention it, you do stand out a bit. 632 00:49:03,960 --> 00:49:06,998 I'm going to cheer up the widow. 633 00:49:09,680 --> 00:49:12,672 You two wouldn't have won first prize. 634 00:49:12,840 --> 00:49:14,513 - No? - No. 635 00:49:14,680 --> 00:49:19,390 You're all right, but Del don't look nothing like Tonto. 636 00:49:24,280 --> 00:49:27,875 (DEL) Aerodynamically—designed cycle helmets 637 00:49:28,040 --> 00:49:31,920 as worn by Chris Boardman and his cousin Stan. 638 00:49:32,080 --> 00:49:35,914 Look at that. No? Right, what else we got "ere? 639 00:49:36,080 --> 00:49:40,392 Tell you what. Look at this. Baseball caps from LA, 640 00:49:40,560 --> 00:49:43,518 as worn by MC Hammer! 641 00:49:43,680 --> 00:49:49,198 Madam, buy one for your kid for Christmas. They'll look lovely. 642 00:49:49,360 --> 00:49:53,718 Right, what else? Ah, yes! Look at this! 643 00:49:53,880 --> 00:49:57,555 We've got unisex baseball caps. Look at that. 644 00:49:57,720 --> 00:50:01,190 Buy one for your son or for your daughter. 645 00:50:01,360 --> 00:50:04,557 (GIRL) Have you got the time? 646 00:50:04,720 --> 00:50:07,712 — Del. - Yeah? What's up? 647 00:50:07,880 --> 00:50:09,279 Look. 648 00:50:12,280 --> 00:50:14,078 What's your game? 649 00:50:15,080 --> 00:50:17,549 Rodney, get after 'em! 650 00:50:21,400 --> 00:50:24,313 You all right, darling? Eh? 651 00:50:24,480 --> 00:50:27,154 Little buggers nicked me handbag. 652 00:50:27,320 --> 00:50:30,472 Me bloody arse is hurting as well. 653 00:50:30,640 --> 00:50:33,598 All right, just take it easy. 654 00:50:33,760 --> 00:50:37,799 Someone call an ambulance and the police. 655 00:50:37,960 --> 00:50:39,917 Hey, you! 656 00:52:21,520 --> 00:52:23,830 Gordon Bennett! 657 00:52:44,800 --> 00:52:47,792 Ooh! Woops—a—daisy! 658 00:52:49,720 --> 00:52:54,954 We read and hear about "have—a—go" heroes, but rarely meet one. 659 00:52:55,120 --> 00:53:00,513 I'm proud to say that Peckham has its very own have—a—go hero. 660 00:53:00,680 --> 00:53:03,320 It is my great honour and privilege 661 00:53:03,480 --> 00:53:09,158 to present this medal for bravery to Derek Trotter. 662 00:53:17,040 --> 00:53:20,954 - Thank you. — It's Batman! 663 00:53:21,120 --> 00:53:26,638 - Can I have a couple of pictures? - Mange tout, mange tout, my son. 664 00:53:26,800 --> 00:53:29,792 You got the medal but I did all the running! 665 00:53:29,960 --> 00:53:32,952 But you were running away from him! 666 00:53:33,120 --> 00:53:34,554 Excuse me. 667 00:53:37,560 --> 00:53:43,272 I was not running away from him, I was... I was just Luring him. 668 00:53:43,440 --> 00:53:48,469 You weren't half Luring him fast. You shot past like Linford Christie. 669 00:53:49,800 --> 00:53:52,997 Minus that poodle he has down his shorts! 670 00:53:54,120 --> 00:54:00,196 — Could you mind out the way, sir? - You're casting a shadow on the hero. 671 00:54:06,640 --> 00:54:10,190 — Why didn't you get a medal, Rodney? - Eh? 672 00:54:10,360 --> 00:54:15,230 They offered me one but I wanted to remain anonymous. 673 00:54:15,400 --> 00:54:16,879 oh! 674 00:54:21,480 --> 00:54:23,869 - Mr Trotter. — Excuse me. 675 00:54:24,040 --> 00:54:27,237 Councillor Murray. We met when you were dressed as Batman. 676 00:54:29,640 --> 00:54:31,711 Of course. 677 00:54:31,880 --> 00:54:34,679 I've never been so frightened ever. 678 00:54:34,840 --> 00:54:37,434 It was only a costume. 679 00:54:37,600 --> 00:54:40,592 No, terrified of that gang of muggers. 680 00:54:40,760 --> 00:54:43,752 — Oh, I see! — They're behind bars thanks to you. 681 00:54:43,920 --> 00:54:48,039 — Don't mention it. - If I can be of any help, call me. 682 00:54:48,200 --> 00:54:50,919 Thank you very much! 683 00:54:51,080 --> 00:54:53,230 Councillor Murray, 684 00:54:53,400 --> 00:55:00,272 there is something you might be able to help me out with. 685 00:55:00,440 --> 00:55:05,116 — Could we have a little chat? — Yes, come this way. 686 00:55:05,280 --> 00:55:06,953 Cushty! 687 00:55:09,680 --> 00:55:12,957 we'll have to cut this out for the family album! 688 00:55:13,120 --> 00:55:17,591 The Trotters never won a medal before, except Albert's three dozen! 689 00:55:18,960 --> 00:55:22,191 why do they say "man"? They don't mention Rodney. 690 00:55:22,360 --> 00:55:25,352 why didn't they say "men"? 691 00:55:25,520 --> 00:55:28,114 Yeah, Rodney was there too. 692 00:55:28,280 --> 00:55:34,196 They do mention him. "Mr Trotter was aided in the capture of the muggers 693 00:55:34,360 --> 00:55:37,113 "by his younger brother Rooney." 694 00:55:38,560 --> 00:55:42,030 See, it's bloody "Rooney"! 695 00:55:42,200 --> 00:55:46,273 Ladies and gentlemen, charge your glasses 696 00:55:46,440 --> 00:55:52,709 because I have got something to say on this auspicious occasion. 697 00:55:52,880 --> 00:55:58,796 Not only am I the only Trotter to win a medal without getting wet, 698 00:55:58,960 --> 00:56:01,679 but this is a double celebration. 699 00:56:01,840 --> 00:56:05,959 - You told them? - I never! How did you find out? 700 00:56:06,120 --> 00:56:08,509 - Find out what? - You don't know? 701 00:56:08,680 --> 00:56:11,069 - No. - Oh. 702 00:56:11,240 --> 00:56:15,029 Then let me say that if, in the near future, 703 00:56:15,200 --> 00:56:21,310 anybody buys us some Mothercare vouchers, they'll come in very handy. 704 00:56:23,080 --> 00:56:28,200 — Oh, yes, my son, we have scored! — And it was a beauty! 705 00:56:29,600 --> 00:56:33,434 it's coming home... 706 00:56:33,600 --> 00:56:37,355 - I don't believe it! — 707 00:56:38,240 --> 00:56:41,835 — Well done! - I'm pleased for you. 708 00:56:42,000 --> 00:56:45,709 You've been through hell to get there. 709 00:56:48,160 --> 00:56:52,199 A little cousin for Damien to play with! 710 00:56:52,360 --> 00:56:54,158 Yeah (!) 711 00:56:55,120 --> 00:56:59,876 You said this was a double celebration before you knew about Cassandra. 712 00:57:00,040 --> 00:57:04,796 — What else is there? - Yes, it's a treble celebration! 713 00:57:04,960 --> 00:57:09,750 You know I was turned down for a grant by the council. 714 00:57:09,920 --> 00:57:14,596 Well, they've changed their minds and sent me a cheque for £5,000! 715 00:57:14,760 --> 00:57:18,958 — £5,000! — What can't speak can't lie. 716 00:57:19,560 --> 00:57:22,552 Signed by Councillor Murray. 717 00:57:23,680 --> 00:57:28,959 - Not a bad old world, is it, bruv? — Getting better all the time, Del! 718 00:57:29,120 --> 00:57:31,077 Lovely jubbly! 719 00:57:37,480 --> 00:57:40,996 and miles and miles of carpet tiles 720 00:57:41,160 --> 00:57:43,879 721 00:57:44,040 --> 00:57:46,873 what's—their-names and at a push 722 00:57:47,040 --> 00:57:49,953 from a mush in Shepherd's Bush 723 00:57:50,120 --> 00:57:52,794 Bush, Bush, Bush 724 00:57:52,960 --> 00:57:55,759 725 00:57:55,920 --> 00:57:58,958 726 00:57:59,120 --> 00:58:01,999 727 00:58:02,160 --> 00:58:06,677 728 00:58:06,840 --> 00:58:09,832 729 00:58:10,000 --> 00:58:12,879 2 Vi Viva Hooky Street! 730 00:58:13,040 --> 00:58:15,634 731 00:58:15,800 --> 00:58:19,077 732 00:58:19,240 --> 00:58:22,437 733 00:58:23,800 --> 00:58:25,677 734 00:58:27,040 --> 00:58:28,792